Joke for Today

[inny1300]

Nice comment's there Oliver i am going to try some of them,regard's jon

[MiniMpi]

Nice one Oliver!!!

[Derfinn]

Brilliant Oliver!
Just Brilliant!

[Bawnee]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me .


Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod!

[Bawnee]

Subject: Fw: The Middle Wife


This is too funny.... what a show and tell this was!!!!!


The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it
in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad
put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching
her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying her back hurt and
going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this
kid is doing a hyst erical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all
of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that
they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be
a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him
for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along
to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy

[mgmclub]

The middle wife

Fantastic absolutely priceless and that is what kids come out with as they see and here things, very good.
Cheers Mick

[MiniMpi]

Totally priceless Siobhan!!!!!

[inny1300]

Arab national is interviewed at US Embassy for visa:

Consul: Your name please?
Arab: Abu Zina
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Every day
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab: Dont matter, sometimes even Camel.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.
Consul: Man, isn't that hostile?
Arab: Hosstyle, Dogstyle, any style!.
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab: No deer! Asshole too tight and run too fast!
I hope you like regards jon

[Bawnee]

http://www.recruitireland.com/job/clown ... /14206746/

[Bawnee]

This is a riot!! Make sure you scroll down to the
Map after you read the joke! Watch for a little Englishman to walk across the Map.
An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .'

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France '

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

[inny1300]

Hello Siobhan most know I am a Englishman,now that was funny, I choke on tea regards jon

[bomber01]

The middle wife

Fantastic absolutely priceless and that is what kids come out with as they see and here things, very good.
Cheers Mick

Excellent ...my wife was in stitches reading this one , as she is a wid wife,
my daughter also was in stitches as she is a teacher . .




john

[Bawnee]

Hi bomber01, there's a few English around alright.. Glad you found a giggle to my joke! Cheers!

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
' Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.


Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight.
So sit back,relax and ..... OH, MY GOD ! '

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was
talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled, 'bye jezis you should see the
back of mine! '

[inny1300]

Hi Siobhan that is a nice one to read on a Friday,regards jon

[Bawnee]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window
of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"


"And the best of the day te yerself me laddy. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send
a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father,
it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"


There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin
first, which is the reason for me call."