Joke for Today

[Sparkie]

Haha

[iwanagofast]

ol: ol: ol:

[1lightningd]

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died
and
went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been
such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven. Arthur
thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with
God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to
God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God
said,"Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional,
you
have some major design flaws in your invention.

> >>1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
> >>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
> >>3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
> >>4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
> >>And finally,
> >>5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it." Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God
said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."

[Vinniesmini]

ol: ....tut tut...

[1lightningd]

One for the blonds!!!!


Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
blonde walks by and asks what they are doing.
Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we

don't have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and
laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a
few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches.

She then walked off.
Mick: Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she
gives us the length."

[Sparkie]

[AidenL]

ol: ol: ol:

[irlmin]

Another one , all credits must go to ONED , thanks Barry


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[MiniMpi]

LOL ol: ol: ol: Priceless

[swampette]

Excellent!!!! ol: ol:

[1lightningd]

An Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Irishman shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta s lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh!t.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you".

The Irishman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

[iwanagofast]

ol: ol: ol:

[Owen]

An Irish Farmer, and an English Farmer live next to each other. One day when talking at the fence between their farms, a chicken scurried up to them, crooked it's head, and laid an egg right there and then, exactly on the border between the farms. After much debate of who should own the egg, the farmers decided a contest of willpower and strength would be the only way to come to an answer.

"Right so, we'll kick each other in the balls until the first man gives up?" said Seán. The English farmer agreed and Seán decided he'd go first. So, he took a few steps back, and took a running kick, square at the English farmers nutsack. After 30 minutes of writhing in pain, he finally got to his feet and said "My turn ...", and Seán said ...

"Sure it's only an egg, keep it" :twisted:

[1lightningd]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th
birthday.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind
My asking, but how old do you think I am?"


"About 32," is the reply."

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks
the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29".

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old
man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.

Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way
to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me
put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity
gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins
to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts,
removes his hands, and says,

"Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,

"That was incredible! How could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't" she says.









"I was behind you at McDonald's."

[Sparkie]

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating "

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated.

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight."


The teacher sat down and cried.