Joke for Today

[Sparkie]

hehe, any chance of gettin it on here??

[Step_7]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax".
"Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then"
He sighed.........






"Let's put all the Frosties back in the box."

[AidenL]

ol: Oldie but goodie ! ol:

[Vinniesmini]

There was a poor single young female farmer living in the back end of nowhere up a mountain. One very stormy night there was a knock on the door to which she opened to find an old woman outside in the rain. She brought her is and gave her last bit of bed to her. With that the old woman said I am a wise good witch and give you 3 wishes for your kindness..

The young woman listed her first wish.... to have a feast...... with that the witch tapped the table and it was filled with fine food.


The young woman listed her second wish.... to have something nice to wear.... the witch tapped the curtain and it turned into a beautiful frock....



The young woman listed her final wish.... I wish I had someone to share it all with.... the witch tapped a raggy tom cat and whosh..... turned into a male model.... The young farmer couldn't believe her luck..... but began to wonder why the young man started laughing..... he then said....bet you'll regret bringing me to the Vet now!

[swampette]

ol: ol: ol: ol:

[MiniMpi]

ol: ol: Nice one Vinnie :wink:

[1lightningd]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly

remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.



He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one

of



Those Barbie's in the display window?"



The salesperson answers,



"Which one do you mean, sir? We have:



Work Out Barbie for $19.95,



Shopping Barbie for $19.95,



Beach Barbie for $19.95,



Disco Barbie for $19.95,



Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,



Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,



Skater Barbie for $19.95,



and Divorced Barbie for $265.95"



The amazed father asks: "You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95



and the others only $19.95?



The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: Sir...,

"Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer

and...One of Ken's Friends.

[AidenL]

ol: ol:

[Sparkie]

ol:

[1lightningd]

A man walked into the woman's department of John Lewis in Manchester.... he found a sales lady and told her I would like a "Jewish Bra" for my wife size 34B... with a quizzical look the sales lady asked what kind of Bra?? He repeated, a Jewish Bra, she said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish Bra and that you would know what she means.

Aaaaaaaaaaah now I remember says the sales lady, we don't get as many requests for them as we used to... mostly... our customers lately want the Catholic Bra, or the Salvation Army bra.. or the Presbyterian Bra... confused... and a little flustered.. the man asked so what are the differences??

The Sales lady responded... its all really quite simple..... the Catholic Bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen.. and the Presbyterian Bra keeps them staunch and upright...... he mused on that information for a minute and asked... so what does the Jewish Bra do? The Jewish Bra she replied... makes mountains out of molehills!!!!

[swampette]

Dirty boy!! :roll:

[Sparkie]

[irlmin]

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile
phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to
listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this
beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006
models. I
saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...The house I wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
£900,000.They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
thousand.
It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are
staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone is this?"

[Speedd]

ol:

[tmc86]

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."


- - - - - -

A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"