Joke for Today

[busterswrfc]

pmsl pmsl ol: ol: ol: ol: ol: ol: ol: ol:

[1lightningd]

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found Only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

[MiniMpi]

8O Ha Ha Ha ol:

[irlmin]

The new Parish priest had just moved into the living quarters assigned to him when he happened to look out the window and saw that there was a dead Donkey out on the lawn in front of the church.He promptly picked up the phone and called the local Garda and informed him of the predicament. Wishing to throw an amusing slant on the situation, the Garda said to the priest," Well father , isn't it your duty to give the poor beast last rites?"
"Yes my son" said the priest, "and it's also my duty to notify the next of kin!"

[irlmin]

BTW that was one for 'Fr Fergal' -------- its a long story !!!!!!!!!!
G

[swampette]

ol: ol: ol: ol: I heard about that one!!! Fr Ferg!!! ol:

[AidenL]

ol: ol: ol:

[ONED]

:P ol: Brilliant! ol:

[1lightningd]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all
things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice" he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?" I was walking in through
the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the
flu all winter"

[swampette]

Filthy.....but funny!! :roll: ol:

[1lightningd]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.



Each priest had a small bell attached to his willy and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.



The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.



She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.



Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.



Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.




Then all the other bells started to ring .....

[Colin]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now".

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".

Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole>and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

"Wow, We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night".

[minipete]

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket,
and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to
hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say
that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the
children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies,
"I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"


Peter

[1lightningd]

!! LITTLE FLAB

One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bbutt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response...


So she rolled over and grabbed him by his
'DANGLER.'



With a death grip in place,
she said...
"You know, if you firmed this up,
we could get rid of
the gardener ,
the postman,
the pool man
and
your brother!"

[1lightningd]

Ventriloquist visits west cork


A ventriloquist visiting west Cork walks into a small village and
sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Corkman: "Can I
talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, are you stupid ."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right, nice of you to ask."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the
villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."


Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!"