Joke for Today

[1lightningd]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.



At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all

Led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go

Back to earth and be anyone you wish to be



The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"



And *poof* she's gone.



The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.



The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."



St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks



"Sarah Pipalini" replies the nun.



St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't

Ring a bell."



The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.



St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and

says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by

1,400 men in 6 months."

[1lightningd]

A guy sitting at the airport bar noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?'

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: 'Love to fly and it shows?'

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:
'Dash, she doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,
'Something special in the air?'

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 'Smooth as Silk.'

This time the woman turned on him saying
'What the F*** do you want?'

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said 'Ahhhhh..., Ryanair!'

[Step_7]

ol:

[irlmin]

Another one , thanks Barry ,


An attorney arrived home late,
after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client
who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home,
his wife started on him about,
'What time of night is this to be getting home?
Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a double shot of scotch and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight .

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door,
she was greeted by the sight of the rear of her husband, bent over,
naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER LET UP?!'

[irlmin]

Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?



Let's find out just how clever you really are....













First Question:

You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?









Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK


Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...






Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good a t this, are you?





Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculate or. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?




Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, now check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.....Maybe.




Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?








Did you Answer Nunu?< /U>
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!


Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?



He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!



KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE

[1lightningd]

An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are

Sitting in a train.

The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.



Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!



The train comes out of the tunnel.

The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there

looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red

from an apparent slap.



The old woman is thinking: "That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl

and got slapped."



The Aussie is thinking: "Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to

Kiss the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me instead."



The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Aussie must have moved to kiss me,

But kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."



The Afrikaner guy is thinking: "If this train goes through another

Tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and smack that Aussie again!"

[mini998s]

This is something I came across when doing some research for the Table Quiz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reasons Why the English Language is so Hard to Learn

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He'd be able to lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. [Triple whammy!]

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

Hope to see you at the quiz next Tuesday at the Oriel House Hotel.

[1lightningd]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really
Sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me
Sex. That Makes
Everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what You say and I feel Great.
I be at work soon........."

"You got nice house"

[irlmin]

Joke for Today 1

A lawyer is getting out of his BMW when a stolen car speeds past hitting the door and ripping it off completely.

A policeman arrive at the scene, and the lawyer complains, "Office, have you seen what he did to my BMW!"

The policeman says, "You lawyers are so materialistic. There you are complaining about your car, but you haven't even noticed that your whole left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my gaad...", says the lawyer looking at the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "Ive lost my Rolex!"

[irlmin]

An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly "Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle."
Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and says snootily "Chanel No 5, £150 a bottle."
A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying "Broccoli, 25p a pound."

[oliver]

Definiton of Politics.
Poly meaning many and
tics meaning blood sucking insects. :wink:

[irlmin]

I think Bertie would love that one .
G

[irlmin]

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide
dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will
plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
'Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all going to die.'

[irlmin]

Friend For Supper

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

[1lightningd]

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new Baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's
family
was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and
explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the Word ears, he would get the
smacking of
his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked
in
the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, Thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have
20/20 vision.

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be f** ked if he needed
Glasses".