Joke for Today

[Bawnee]

My wife just came home and caught me having sex in the bathroom with a midgetshe screamed "you said you would stop cheating"I replied "...cant you see im trying to cut down!?"

[irlmin]

No !!!!!!!! I am not going there Siobhan .

[Bawnee]

Aw Ger, I get ya!!

[Bawnee]

Bottle of Wine
(Women will LOVE this one!)
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the
rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to
drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the
bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Don't mess with them.

[minidragon]

very good

[Bawnee]

Cheers!!

[Bawnee]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting
for him at his door.


Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The
next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.


Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber
went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lining
up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH, POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[Jonknight]

Dont know if ye have heard this before:

A man in a Porche passed a Mini that had broken down by the side of the road. Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a tow-rope to it and began towing it to the nearest garage.
After 10 minutes of towing, a Ferrari passed them at high speed. The Porche driver was not going to be outdone by a Ferrari, so, forgetting that he had a Mini in tow, slammed his foot down and the Porche and Ferrari indulged in a high-speed race down the road, the Mini and it's occupant trailing wildly about at the end of the rope frantically trying to attract their attention and failing.
A Police car saw them and gave chase. The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters "Sarge, you'll never believe this, I've just seen a Porsche and a Ferrari neck and neck doing 170 mph - and a bloke in a Mini flashing his lights, blowing his horn and trying to overtake them!"

[Bawnee]

Aw that's brilliant!!!

[Jonknight]

Thanks

[AdyP]

Love it!

[Jonknight]

GOLF LESSON

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

[Jonknight]

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

[Jonknight]

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

[oliver]

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and expanded government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

15. As a last resort, sell it on Ebay.